


maybe ‘shut the fuck up’ will be our always

by kekinkawaii



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Crack, Insults, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-29
Updated: 2020-01-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:48:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22459774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kekinkawaii/pseuds/kekinkawaii
Summary: Sasuke got his first good look at him, cocky eyebrow and disarrayed hair and a crooked gleam in bright-blue eyes that immediately raised red flags in his core of calm and composed. He had felt wild, untamped alarm like a buzzing in his bones: as if this new kid sidled in and slipped himself under his skin, irritating and arrogant and impossible to ignore, just like that.
Relationships: Uchiha Sasuke/Uzumaki Naruto
Comments: 22
Kudos: 149





	maybe ‘shut the fuck up’ will be our always

**Author's Note:**

  * For [KarryHim](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KarryHim/gifts).



> HAPPPPPPY BDAYYYYYYYYY
> 
> Once again, I tried to keep the sasunaru platonic. Once again, look how well that turned out. Happy birthday, man.

“Holy shit,” Sasuke said.

Naruto shoved the magazine even closer to the other boy's face, shaking it violently, as if that would make it easier to read. “Yeah, _holy shit!”_ he shouted. “What the _fuck!”_

“Okay, first, get out of my face, dickwad,” Sasuke snapped, pushing the magazine out of his eyes. “Second, what the fuck?”

“That’s what I’m asking you!” Naruto screeched. “Is this another one of your stupid jokes? I swear, Sasuke, you're so fucking immature sometimes—”

Sasuke gawped. “Me? _Me?_ I'm sorry, but who put a whoopie cushion on my chair? Who filled my locker with rubber chickens? Who put _kick me_ notes on my back? Who—”

“Oh, yeah?” Naruto seethed. “Who tried to dye my hair pink when I was sleeping? Who gave me a pack of toothpaste Oreos? Who hacked into my laptop and changed my background into a crudely-drawn dick?”

Sasuke grinned, shark-like. “Bet that ‘crude drawing’ got you all hot and bothered; god knows you can’t get any real action.”

“Oh, it got me bothered all right,” Naruto said. “It was so _small,_ so _disfigured—_ you know, Sasuke, you could’ve just told me you had a growth problem, I would never make fun of you; did you know, they have a pill for that?”

Sasuke clapped one hand over Naruto's mouth, cutting off his speech with a muffled ‘Oof!’, before shoving him against the row of lockers, his other arm digging into Naruto’s chest.

“Shut the fuck up,” he hissed, leaning in closer with a menacing glare. “You are the singular most annoying person I have ever met, you know that?”

Naruto managed to snake one of his arms up from the tight space between the two of them, pressing it to his heart. “You say the sweetest things, baby,” he cooed, batting his eyelashes and flashing his stupidly-blue eyes.

Sasuke made a bitten-off growl in his throat.

“You say stuff like _that,”_ he said, “And you think it's somehow _my fault?”_

“What’s your fault?” Naruto said, blinking, looking totally disorientated for a split second, as if he had already forgotten.

“Jesus Christ,” Sasuke said. “A goldfish has better memory than you. Smarter, too.” Before Naruto could respond (undoubtedly triggering another round of rapid-fire insults and remarks), he jerked his chin towards what was now a very crumpled flyer clenched in Naruto's fist.

 _“That,”_ he said pointedly.

“Ooooh,” Naruto said. “Right. That.”

 _That_ was an innocuous, innocent-looking A4 sheet of coloured printer paper.

Naruto jostled himself loose of Sasuke's hold, turned a little to face the wall, and unfolded it against the lockers. They both stared at it.

 _The votes are in!_ The topmost line read. _Brought to you from Academy High's very own students, absolutely unbiased, unrigged, and untampered._

 _Cutest Couple,_ the next line read in a frilly, pink, sparkly, bubbly print, lovingly adorned with hearts. _Sasuke Uchiha and Naruto Uzumaki._

-+-+-+-

It was the singular most enigmatic thing of his high school years. Sasuke prided himself on his cool, calm exterior, his ability to hold himself distant and analytical in the face of panic, his perchance to survey a situation and take control in steady, calculated action.

That was before Naruto Uzumaki strolled into Chemistry as the weird new kid halfway through the second semester of Junior Year, sat down next to the only free desk left in the class, shamelessly looked at the screen of the laptop on the desk next to him, and commented, “That’s an ugly-ass cat.”

The cat was Sasuke's final summative project for his Digital Art unit. It was actually supposed to be a butterfly.

“It’s a fucking butterfly, idiot,” Sasuke muttered, closing the photo editing application on his laptop with more force than required. He had stayed up half the night editing it.

“Jeez, prickly much? Maybe you should’ve drawn a cactus, instead. I’ve heard self-portraits are very in these days. Oh, or maybe an asshole!” Naruto responded without missing a single beat.

“You know what, maybe I could,” Sasuke shot back without thinking. “It must be fate, though, because I’d need a model for that and you're the perfect candidate. Maybe I could make another one of an imbecile while you’re already there and get some extra credit for realism.”

A beat passed. Sasuke realized what he just did—more specifically, what he just said—and internally choked a little. He was just about to apologize, halfway through opening his mouth, when the other peered at his laptop screen again.

“Death metal?” he said, reading from the Spotify app now displayed on the screen. “Fucking death metal? Try throwing pop cans into a blender, it’ll sound better.”

… 

Okay, Sasuke decided. He had already fucked this up beyond repair; no point in being nice now. “Seriously? Go fuck yourself.”

“Nice comeback, bitch,” the other responded right back, all endless snark and biting sarcasm. Sasuke got his first good look at him, cocky eyebrow and disarrayed hair and a crooked gleam in bright-blue eyes that immediately raised red flags in his core of calm and composed. He felt wild, untamped alarm like a buzzing in his bones: as if this new kid sidled in and slipped himself under his skin, irritating and arrogant and impossible to ignore, just like that.

-+-+-+-

Sasuke stormed into Room 2304 without knocking, interrupting what appeared to be a dynamic conversation between the members of the weekly Yearbook Club. 

“Hi there,” a girl with a sleek bun and gold-rimmed glasses greeted him. Slowly, cautiously, her eyebrows steadily crawled up as she took him in—blue hair and piercings and all. Sasuke knew how he looked. “Is there something I can help you with?”

“Yeah,” Sasuke said, and opened his hand to reveal what looked like a shredded pile of paper in his palm. “I’d like to get an explanation on this year’s voting results.”

“Oh my gosh,” he heard someone murmur from the back tables. He looked over: the girl had her head lowered to talk to the boy next to him, hand hovering over her mouth to muffle her speech, but Sasuke caught it anyway, and now that he heard it, his attention was piqued. “That’s Cutest Couple Sasuke Uchiha.”

The boy next to her raised his head and caught Sasuke’s pointed stare. He elbowed the girl gently. “Dude, he can hear you,” he said, half-directed at Sasuke.

Sasuke felt himself scowl. He turned it into a grotesque smile and turned his attention back to the girl in the bun. “That’s me,” he said, saccharine. “Cutest Couple Sasuke Uchiha.”

“Ohhh,” the girl said, recognition filling her eyes. “I see.” She nodded politely. “I’m Tsunade, head of Yearbook.”

“So,” Sasuke said, really not here to make small talk, “mind telling me why I’ve been voted?”

Tsunade tilted her head. “Well, Sasuke,” she said, voice irritatingly calm, “It’s not my decision. It was student-chosen.”

Sasuke gritted his teeth. “Mind explaining why I’ve been student-chosen?”

“Not just you,” Tsunade said. “You and—if I recall correctly—Naruto Uzumaki, yes?”

Sasuke reminded himself that he was here to get answers, not get into a fight. “Yes,” he said tightly.

“Well, it’s kind of obvious, isn’t it?” someone piped up from the back. The entire room had gone silent now, fine-tuned to their conversation, twisted in their chairs and trying to pretend they weren’t dolefully latching onto to every gossipy word, finding it eons more interesting than editing photos and cropping text.

“I mean, you and Naruto,” the newcomer—a girl with tousled brown hair and a tiny grin—added. “The UST is just off the charts.”

Sasuke blinked, momentarily taken aback. “The what now?”

“You know…” She suddenly seemed flustered, looking down at her hands before offering meekly: “Unresolved… sexual tension?”

Sasuke blinked some more. “Unresolved _what?”_

The girl flushed. “It’s just, well—you two are _cute_ together. Your dynamic is impeccable, the way you two bounce off each other. You just fit.”

“We’re not puzzle pieces, sweetheart,” Sasuke said sarcastically.

“Okay, but,” the girl next to her began to speak, taking sympathy for the first, “you have to admit you two have chemistry. The way you look at each other? If I were caught between that, I’d be _on fire.”_ She fanned herself.

Someone else’s voice piped up. “And the way you two are always partners for _everything?_ Tell me that’s not cute!”

“You wait for him every day after class!”

“When you talk to him you’re, like, _one inch_ away from a kiss.”

“I literally saw you holding him up against a locker today! Tell me that doesn’t have some sort of subtext to it!”

 _“It does not!”_ Sasuke roared.

The room went quiet, stunned.

Sasuke closed his eyes briefly, struggling to clear the sharper, harsher edges of emotion from his head. “Let me get this straight,” he said, very quietly. “Because apparently, it’s not obvious enough. Naruto and I? We hate each other. We _despise_ each other. I can’t fucking stand him, and he can’t stand me. It is a perfectly fucking mutual agreement of hatred.”

“Well, you know what they say,” someone murmured, very very quietly. Sasuke heard it anyway.

He flipped the bird to the general vicinity from whence the voice came, and started heading for the exit.

“He’s just in denial,” he heard Tsunade announce to the rest of the class.

“No, I’m not!” he shouted, slamming the door.

-+-+-+-

“Mornin’, sweetheart,” Naruto chirped, punching Sasuke on the arm as he caught up to him in the halls on his way to their only shared class—Calc. “What’s with the long face? You need to borrow a tampon or something?”

“Thanks, but I’m sure you need it more than I do,” Sasuke said sweetly back.

“Aww, babe,” Naruto said, bumping their shoulders together, “that’s so thoughtful of you. I wouldn’t want to take a favour like that without repaying it. What do you need? A teddy bear? Some chocolate? Some shitty B-list rom-coms?”

“Jesus,” Sasuke said, rolling his eyes. “No wonder you don’t have a girlfriend.”

“Trust me,” Naruto replied, winking, “I can get it whenever I want it.”

Sasuke raised an eyebrow. “If by _it,_ you mean a restraining order…”

“You’re doing that thing where your narcissism accidentally makes you talk about yourself in the second person again,” Naruto said cheerily. “Might wanna get that checked out.” He reached up and flicked Sasuke’s ear. “Who knows? It might be the reason behind your slowness.”

“Bite me,” Sasuke said.

“Kinky,” Naruto commented, right as a student walked by—he gave them a little bit of a head-tilted, curious look, his eyes darting between the two of them, before his eyebrows shot up high, recognition blooming on his face—a tiny smile-smirk replacing it before strolling away.

“But I’d rather not catch a disease,” Naruto said, right after they had disappeared from earshot.

Sasuke didn’t retort, too busy narrowing his eyes at the student and his subsequent reaction upon overhearing the two of them.

Was _that_ why they were—fucking hell—the double-C word? 

“Hey.” Sasuke jerked his face back as Naruto’s fingers appeared inches from it, snapping irritably. “Are you even listening to me?”

“I never listen to you,” Sasuke said, distracted, mind still whirling around the discovery—was that _normal?_ Were insults the new pick-up line? Had he been inadvertently flirting with his sworn arch-nemesis for the entirety of Senior Year?

His head hurt. Fuck Yearbook.

-+-+-+-

Sasuke angrily stabbed at his pile of mashed potatoes as if his frustration could be channeled out and away through the mount of fluffy, buttery carbs.

“What did those potatoes ever do to you?” Sakura commented lightly.

Sasuke moped for a moment more before he couldn’t stand it any longer. He turned to Sakura and blurted, “Why do people think I like Naruto?”

Next to him, Lee choked on his can of pop. Sputtering, he thumped his chest a few times, grabbed a napkin, dabbed at his mouth, and coughed before speaking.

“Is this about the Cutest Couple thing?” he asked, voice a little hoarse.

Sasuke glared at him. “What _else_ could it be about?”

“Oh, I dunno,” Sakura cut in, “maybe the fact that you two have been dancing around each other for over a year now? Props to the Yearbook team for finally pointing it out.”

“Sakura,” Lee said, as Sasuke gasped loudly like a melodramatic teenage girl.

“I’m sorry— _what?”_ Sasuke said when he regained the ability to speak.

“We agreed not to tell him,” Lee hissed to Sakura.

“What?” Sasuke said again, louder this time.

“Um,” Lee said, looking guilty.

Sasuke pointed at Lee. “You—spill. What. The fuck. Is going on.”

Lee squirmed under Sasuke’s gaze. Sasuke increased the quality of his glare until Lee cringed, dropping his fork and raising his hands high, palms facing him placatingly.

“Okay, okay!” he cried out. “Fine! Sakura and I, well, we kinda always, um. Uh. Erm.”

“We ship you two,” Sakura said bluntly.

Sasuke gave her a deadpan look. “You want to put us on a boat?”

“Oh, my—you’re _hopeless,”_ Sakura enthused. She crossed her arms and leaned back against the wall. “We think you two should fuck.”

Sasuke doubled over in a reflexive coughing fix. Lee rubbed his back sympathetically and gave Sakura a chastising look.

“What?” Sakura said, tilting her head and feigning innocence.

 _“Why?”_ Sasuke moaned, still curled into himself.

“Well, for starters, I’ve been trying to get you to ask me out for the past six months,” Sakura said. “And the closest thing I’ve ever heard to a pick-up line from you is when you offered me your leftover soggy fries. You don't even _like_ fries. But do you know the average number of times you say Naruto’s name in a typical lunch conversation? _Fourteen._ Four-fucking-teen. I don’t say someone’s name that many times when we’re _fucking,_ and you say Naruto’s name fourteen times in a single conversation.”

“I—” Sasuke cut in meekly, before his words were trampled.

“And don’t get me started on Naruto himself!” Sakura said, unstoppable now that she was on a roll. “Have you seriously never picked up on _anything?_ Have you seen the way he finds every little excuse to touch you? Leaning on you, hitting you—hitting _on_ you—the whole shebang?”

“He just does it to annoy me,” Sasuke defended, though the inflection of the phrase ended up more questioning than declaring.

“Seriously? It’s all ‘Fuck you’s and ‘Blow me’s.” She waved her arms in the air, exasperation seeping from her every word. “I mean, what the hell? How does one misinterpret ‘Blow me’?”

“It’s a _saying,”_ Sasuke said weakly.

“Yeah?” Sakura said. “What’s the meaning behind the saying?”

Sasuke opened his mouth and then closed it again.

“Also, he calls you babe,” Lee chimed in quietly. “Like, all the time.”

Sasuke didn’t say anything for a long moment, and then he said, very, very weakly, with all the strength of a newborn baby kitten, “But we hate each other?”

“You do not hate each other,” Lee said, those dark pebbly eyes of his shining determinedly. “Have you noticed that he always approaches you when you’re in a bad mood?”

“Trading insult’s your catharsis,” Sakura agreed. “He’s doing it on purpose. Pulling pigtails, you know.”

“And that one time you forgot your umbrella and he shared his with you?”

“He kept splashing in puddles and kicking up water,” Sasuke rebutted.

“Right,” Lee said, exasperated. “But you were wearing _rainboots.”_

“And remember when you failed that one math quiz?” Sakura added. “He spent the entire afternoon tutoring you.”

“No he didn’t,” Sasuke said.

“Jesus Christ,” Sakura said, “why the fuck he likes someone like you, I’ve got no clue.”

“Yes he did,” Lee said. “Knowing him, he probably insulted you a bit first so you’d let your guard down, and then pretended to show off his own math knowledge so that he could explain the concepts to you at the same time.”

“He didn’t do that,” Sasuke said, and then took a moment to remember that day before realizing that he did exactly that. “Fuck,” he said eloquently.

“He’s finally getting it,” Sakura said, mock-mournfully. “Our little oblivious gay baby is growing up.”

“And I’ve been insulting him this whole time,” Sasuke said, feeling the revelation wash over him. “Oh god, he must hate me.”

“Nevermind,” Sakura said, letting her head fall face-first onto the table with a dull thud. “He’s still stupid.”

“Have you heard _anything_ we just said?” Lee asked. “If he didn’t like you, he wouldn’t go out of his way to insult you every day.”

“That’s the weirdest sentence I’ve heard you say all week,” Sakura said, muffled, her head still on the table.

“Have you ever considered the fact that he just wants to insult me?” Sasuke prodded.

“Definitely not.”

“But he—”

“No.”

“But—”

“Nope.”

Sasuke pressed his lips together in frustration.

 _“Buthecalledmydicksmallanddisfigured,”_ he said.

Lee, who had thought enough time had passed for it to be safe for him to take another sip of his Coke, choked again. Sakura slowly lifted her head from the table.

“Not for nothing,” she said, dry as desert sand, “but if you’ve seen each other’s dicks—”

“Oh, god, no!” Sasuke interrupted frantically. “No, no, no. It was just a drawing.”

Through a bout of coughing, Lee managed to ask, incredulously, _“You drew him your dick?”_

“Not actually!” Sasuke shouted.

Lee paused, and then approached, tentatively, as if he were afraid of the answer, “So it’s actually small and disfigured?”

Sakura burst out laughing. Sasuke put his head in his hands.

-+-+-+-

“Hey, dumbass,” Naruto said, hitting Sasuke on the back of his head with his hand as he took his usual spot next to him in Calc. “The principal called: she’s suspending you on account of terrorizing the students by wearing a horrific mask. I tried to explain that that was just your face, but she wouldn’t believe me.” He leaned over, chin briefly resting on Sasuke’s shoulder, to watch the worksheet Sasuke was currently working on. “It’s like watching an earthworm try to fly a helicopter,” he commented, and reached over and snatched Sasuke’s pencil from his grip. “You’re not even following the right steps. You’re killin’ me, babe.”

“Oh my god,” Sasuke said, not even annoyed that Naruto was scribbling all over his worksheet, because Sakura and Lee were _fucking right._

Naruto slowed, then stilled. He placed the pencil down on the desk before raising an eyebrow pointedly. “Something wrong?”

“You like me,” Sasuke blurted out, because he was a fucking idiot like that.

Naruto blinked. Then blinked some more. And, very slowly, his face turned red.

“Oh my god, you actually do,” Sasuke said, words spilling out like a tipped-over glass, now, tumbling one over the other, head-over-heels with the wire tripped wide open.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Naruto said smoothly, too quickly. “Have you hit your head recently, Sasuke? Maybe tripped and fell?” He flashed a peace sign at him. “How many fingers am I holding up?”

“Don’t change the subject, asshole,” Sasuke said. 

“Jeez. Who pissed in your lunch?” Naruto snarked. 

_“You_ did,” Sasuke said, feeling slightly giddy. “Because apparently, according to the majority of our school, including my friends, we are in fact the Cutest Couple.”

“It’s finally happened,” Naruto murmured, sounding heartbroken. “You’ve finally lost it. I knew this moment would happen, but not this soon.”

“Fucking hell,” Sasuke said, because for once _Naruto_ was being the difficult one. He turned in his seat, grabbed Naruto’s face in his hands, and kissed him. 

Or, he tried to. Mostly he just kind of smashed their noses together with a bit of a cracking noise. When he pulled away, Naruto’s face was even more flushed than before.

“Um,” Naruto said. He tentatively reached up and prodded his nose. “Ow.”

“That’s what you get for _not telling me you liked me,”_ Sasuke said. “Asshat.”

“You’re the asshat,” Naruto said, still stroking his nose, going cross-eyed to try to look at it. He gave up, huffing and dropping his hands to lay palm-up on the desk in surrender. “What was I supposed to think? That your insults meant you liked me back?”

“What was _I_ supposed to think? That your insults meant you liked me in the first place?”

Naruto opened and closed his mouth for a few moments. “Shut the fuck up,” he finally muttered.

“Nice comeback,” Sasuke said. “Bitch.”

“Aww, baby,” Naruto said, “you’re so romantic. Maybe ‘shut the fuck up’ will be our always.”

Sasuke tried to fight the infinitesimal smile creeping up on his face. “I should’ve known,” he said. “Anyone who dresses like that _has_ to be gay.”

“And anyone who acts like you has to be overcompensating,” Naruto said. “There’s no way you’re not the bottom in this relationship; not with that stick up your ass all the time.”

Of course, that was the moment the teacher walked into the classroom.

Sasuke gave him a bright smile. “Good morning, Professor,” he said sweetly. Or, he was about to say, when Naruto snuck an arm around his torso and gave him a wicked pinch on his side, so instead of “Good morning, Professor” what came out instead was “Jesus Fuck!”

Kakashi, who was infamously known for catching a chair that a student had thrown at him (long story) without even blinking an eye—with one hand—raised a single eyebrow.

Naruto snickered. “Smooth,” he murmured.

“Shut the fuck up,” Sasuke said.

“Love you too, babe,” Naruto said, fluttering his eyelashes demurely.

Kakashi’s head tilted just the slightest to the side, and then he shook it very slowly, before trudging his way towards his desk, muttering something under his breath that sounded like something amongst the lines of _‘Cutest couple, my ass’._

Sasuke watched him retreat, mourned at the ever-evaporating vestiges of dignity he had in this school, and resigned himself to opening his laptop to pull up the unit review for the day.

The classroom chatter was immediately overpowered by the full-volume, HQ quality sounds of what appeared to be someone whispering directly into a high-feedback microphone.

 _“HEY ROLEPLAYISTS,”_ Sasuke’s laptop speakers whisper-yelled. _“THIS IS PART 7 OF MY JEALOUS BOYFRIEND ROLEPLAY ASMR. THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONTINUED SUPPORT. WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, LET’S CONTINUE.”_ It continued speaking calmly, soothingly, unbeknownst of Sasuke’s panicked and futile muting and shutting of the laptop lid, which appeared to do nothing. _“WHY ARE YOU HANGING OUT WITH JESSE? AM I NOT ENOUGH, BABY? I THOUGHT YOU WERE MINE FOREVER.”_

Sasuke shoved the laptop off his desk. It hit the floor with a clatter, and the voice cut off abruptly.

Silence spread throughout the classroom like a highly-contagious disease.

“Oh my gosh, you watch him too?” a tiny voice piped up from the back of the room somewhere.

Very silently, Sasuke turned to Naruto, his expression dangerously blank. 

Naruto’s face was a very peculiar shade of purple.

“You look like you’re having an aneurysm,” Sasuke informed him.

“Mr. Uchiha,” Kakashi said calmly. “I would prefer if you listened to your jealous boyfriend roleplay ASMR somewhere other than in my classroom.”

“Sorry, Professor,” Sasuke said politely, and then, to Naruto, “Can we go back to hating each other?”


End file.
